Don’t Shoot the Messenger!
Have you ever been in the position of being the messenger, delivering bad news to someone and fearing their reaction? There is a reason that the saying don’t shoot the messenger exists. It’s because as humans we are inclined to blame someone else even when they are literally just delivering some information to us. It is hard to take ownership, acknowledge our own mistakes and face up to our own responsibility in any given situation and it is much easier to see the messenger as the problem and the enemy. If they hadn't spoken up, the problem wouldn’t exist. Does this sound familiar?
My Enemy
For years, maybe decades, I viewed my body as the enemy and the problem, as I grew as a woman, I learned from everyone around me to berate myself and be on this constant crusade to overcome myself. It was me against whatever part of myself was causing me discomfort or difficulty.
I took this habit to a whole new level as I entered into motherhood, every obstacle my body threw in my way, I was determined to overcome! Morning sickness, a painful pelvis and a hideous pregnancy rash called P.U.P.P.S were all stopping me from enjoying my pregnancy. I would be so frustrated with myself and wonder why everyone else seemingly breezed through pregnancy but my body was letting me down.
When I was taken for my emergency c-section, I felt such a deep betrayal that my body had not been able to birth naturally. All the language around birth suggests a hierarchy based on how you birth, what drugs you use and how many interventions are needed and I was at the bottom of the pile feeling like I was failing miserably at the most basic of roles as a woman.
Then as I journeyed, getting to know my son and he developed silent reflux, failed to gain weight and my milk supply disappeared, I could not have felt any more let down. I was stuck in this body that just kept choosing to fail and nothing I tried (and trust me, I tried everything) was making any difference.
As it turns out, there was a deeper level of betrayal that I was yet to feel as I miscarried our precious Charlie when I was 10 weeks pregnant. We had just shared our happy news at my 30th birthday party just days earlier but on a Thursday I woke up with some bleeding. I can’t tell you how desperately I prayed and cried for that baby to live but when the cramping started mid morning I knew it was not going to be a happy ending. An ultrasound that afternoon confirmed that Charlie had stopped growing at 8 weeks. The pain of losing a baby is something that I can’t describe, it is one of those awful truths that you only know if you experience it. A few days later I was rushed into hospital with excessive bleeding and as I sat in a gown, in a waiting room with so many happy, pregnant women, waiting for another scan, I just felt so alone. When you’re lonely, your brain is a powerful place full of powerful words that either build you up or knock you down and my words were like giant bowling balls producing as much destruction as possible. Things like:
My body can’t even get miscarriage right.
I must have done something wrong.
I don’t deserve another child.
I ate something that caused this.
I did something that caused this.
I’ve let my husband down.
I’ve failed
I am a failure!
Can you imagine sitting with a friend in her deepest grief and saying all of those things to her? We’d be a terrible friend, and yet it is the most natural thing in the world to do to ourselves.
4 months later I was pregnant again, that precious second line on the stick appeared and we were beyond thrilled but it wasn’t to last as I again miscarried. Less dramatic this time, with no hospital visit or ride in an ambulance but deeply, deeply painful.
The tree we planted in memory of our beautiful lost babies.
I was cross now and was quickly building myself a pair of glasses that viewed my body as my enemy. I was looking for ways it was letting me down and would quickly recognise every single thing. Sore knee after running, failed pregnancies, bloating, tiredness, back ache, two further c-sections. You name it and I quickly identified it and labelled it as my body letting me down.
My body was officially the ENEMY!
Overcome
What do you do when faced with an enemy? You strategise and create a battle plan to overcome. In my case, my body sat in front of me as my biggest enemy and I had to find a way to suppress and overcome it!
When it comes to our physical health, it is ingrained in us to do this. A symptom arises and you suppress it. The symptom is stopping us from living our life and so we look for the quickest and easiest way to get rid of that symptom. Headaches, aches and pains, period pain, colds, depression, you name it, we have a pill to suppress that symptom. We see an area where our body is ‘broken’ and we fix it, or at least slap a plaster on it and hope it goes away.
The Messenger
Broken, that word, even at the beginning of last year, I was describing myself as broken. I would sit with my FNTP and talk to her about how broken my body was, how pregnancy broke my body, how uncooperative my body was, how much it had let me down, but can I tell you the secret I’ve learned over the last year. This is a biggie and so I want you to listen really carefully:
OUR BODIES AREN’T BROKEN, FAULTY OR LETTING US DOWN!
Now stop, and read that again, slowly and take it in, let your mind and body absorb the truth of that statement only this time personalise it.
My body is not broken, faulty or letting me down.
That’s right, it really isn’t. It is doing exactly what it is designed to do - communicate with us. It is our messenger. Our bodies are so intelligently, intricately and wonderfully put together that when there is an area of dysfunction or imbalance within the body, there are mechanisms in place to let us know. It is up to us to ask why!
Why is my body telling me it can’t support a pregnancy?
Why is my body struggling to regulate my monthly cycle?
Why do I get chronic migraines?
Why do I bloat when I eat?
Why can’t I lose weight?
Why do I feel sad all the time?
What imbalance or dysfunction is causing these symptoms?
You see all of these things that we see as our body betraying us or letting us down is just a message. ‘Hey Anna, something’s wrong in here, just wanted to let you know so that you can do something about it, I need your help!’
My husband and I often do pre-marriage counselling with engaged couples to help them prepare for a lifetime of journeying together. When we talk about conflict, we often talk about how it’s so easy to see our spouse or partner as the enemy and we are pitted against each other. But what if you see the conflict as the enemy, it is the conflict that threatens the relationship. We encourage couples to physically move and sit next to each other, and look in front of them, to see the conflict in front of them and outside of them, not between them. To link arms and work together to resolve the issue, not battle against each other.
I have learned that my body is actually an amazing ally, sending messages to me all the time to let me know what it needs to function well. I just need to listen, link arms and do the work to resolve the problem that threatens our relationship.
We are the ones who are mistreating our bodies, filling it with chemicals, not eating real, whole food, not moving, or resting, or sleeping. Our lifestyles and choices are creating the symptoms and the dysfunction and yet we sit there primed and ready to blame the messenger. Instead, let’s link up arm in arm with ourselves and do the work to restore balance together as the team that we are always meant to be.
That’s my vision and purpose as an FNTP, to reconnect you to your body, to your dreams and to the life you want to live.